


Mi amore.

by Yui_Miyamoto



Category: Hana Yori Dango | Boys Over Flowers (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, Cross-Posted on LiveJournal, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-03-01
Updated: 2009-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:14:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27292531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yui_Miyamoto/pseuds/Yui_Miyamoto
Summary: A decade later, Tsukushi is invited to her high school reunion. And after all these years, she starts to think, “Have I lost my fire?”
Relationships: Doumyouji Tsukasa/Makino Tsukushi





	Mi amore.

**Disclaimer – I do not own Hana Yori Dango, but for many different reasons, it holds a special place within my heart for all time. The song/poem is mine though!  
**  
  
Soft waves of tingles went through me.  
  
As we sat there quietly in the limousine, my stomach was fluttering with dread and excitement as he touched the tips of my hair, which was long enough to brush the velvet lining of the seat. Smoothly and peacefully, he rubbed them in between his fingertips lovingly.  
  
I folded my silk white gloves over one another as we turned the corner, getting closer and closer to our familiar destination. But without thinking, I turned my head and blinked my eyes at him. “Tsukasa, you shouldn’t be so nervous.”  
  
Snapping out of his dazed trance, he pouted and looked from side to side. “Who’s nervous? Certainly not me of all people! I own the damn school now!”  
I gave him a knowing look and pursed my lips. “Riiight.”  
  
He continued to touch the ends of my hair with his left hand and made a fist with his right one to lean his chin on it. His eyes wandered out the window.  
“What are you so worried about?” I insisted impatiently.  
  
“Why do you keep asking me the same question, woman?”  
I sighed. More than ten years later, and he was still the same. Then again, it was comforting to know that I could count on him for it, but that didn’t mean that it still didn’t confuse me!  
  
Not wanting to be outdone, I pulled his chin to face me. I smiled at him as I looked into his eyes, trying to find an answer with instinct guiding me. I winked at him and leaned a bit forward. “Because it’s _me_ , stupid. You married the ‘no-brand name woman’.”  
His ears started to turn red.  
My eyes focused on his lips and then I let go of his chin. Sitting down properly as the car was coming to a halt, he muttered, “Tease.”  
I didn’t say anything as I held onto my lace dress, which billowed out elegantly. Half of it was light blue and the other half was dark green, crossing at the waist. The dress hung tightly over my chest, exposing my shoulders. I still wasn’t used to showing so much skin though. It flowed down to the tips of my white high heels.   
  
If there was one person who needed to be nervous, it was me. I didn’t know how to feel about my high school. After all these years, though things had turned out well, there was a mix of emotions that I couldn’t quite dig through. It was a like a layer of bolts of clothing. Some memories were so vibrant and then others were so dark that I wondered how could I have seen through the bunch to still find the ones that held so many unknown, yet stunning colors.  
It didn’t matter how many years had passed. I felt like I was going back in time every time I came here. I had moved on since then, but there would always be things in your life that you couldn’t let go of even when you may have wanted to.  
  
But more than anything, I wondered if anyone had changed. Were they as plastic as they were then?  
It was sad to see people get older but not grow. It upset me to the point that I still snapped, even if it was at a press conference or in a high-class restaurant. They’ll always say it is because of my middle-class background, but I fight back because it was just not right.  
  
However, I knew now that that was just my standards for this world, especially in my home country. I had been around the world and I wasn’t even thirty yet, but I knew that how you yourself respected life was not what another person believed.  
  
Your self-value was as individualistic as your happiness.  
  
So, I wanted at least Tsukasa to feel confident, as he should have, about this reunion.  
  
When the driver was about to open the door, I reached out to grab onto Tsukasa’s hand though I couldn’t look at him.  
“What’s wrong?”  
“Mm.” I shook my head and made a circular motion over my churning stomach as I let go of his hand to exit the limo. He followed after me and tried again to ask me what was wrong but I avoided his gaze as I held up the Venetian mask rimmed with gold and dark blue flecks over the white spaces to cover my eyes for the masquerade.  
  
“Why’d we decide to go with this theme again?”  
“Didn’t you say you wanted to try it at least once in your life?”  
I blinked my eyes in surprise because it never failed to amaze me how far he’d go for me, much to many people’s consternation. “Yes…but you didn’t have to immediately do it. I thought we’d at least go to Venice again-”  
“Doesn’t mean we can’t do it earlier,” he firmly replied and sighed afterwards. “Why can’t you ever say ‘thank you’ if I give you something?”  
  
More than anything else, I loved that decisiveness.   
He never hesitated when it came to me and my heart melted every time he gave in, though it was in such a convoluted way.  
  
I pulled his collar to whisper into his ear. “Because giving in would bore you, wouldn’t it, Tsukasa?”  
I made the enunciation of his name extra persistent.  
  
Immediately, his face turned red and when I let go, I went ahead of him into the auditorium before he would convince the staff to lie to cover up that we’d left earlier than anyone else. We already did that two times this week and a third time wouldn’t have looked so good.  
  
How we got worse since high school, I would never ever know…  
  
I cleared my throat as I felt my cheeks flush.   
  
I opened the doors of Eitoku and my gold and platinum bracelets rang lightly as they bumped one another.  
  
The auditorium had been transformed into a flash of lines of rainbow colors on the walls. Streamers and curtains were bright yet balanced enough not to be overwhelming to each other. Green, white, pink, and purple feathers were spread randomly all over the ground and the stage was lined with different kinds of masks.  
But before I could hold my dress up to step through the threshold, many people came up to me to greet me, pretending as if they knew me personally. I looked back at Tsukasa, who was being pulled to the other side of the room as well. I gave him a worried look that only he saw and he nodded his head understandingly.

_Just play along. You know the game already, Tsukushi._

  
  
So, there I was being pushed to stand next to where the buffet of food was. I took a small piece of chicken which was fried in chicken noodles instead of bread crumbs. I turned my wrist before popping it into my mouth.  
“Hello!” so many people said to me as I stood there still wondering who was ingenious to make such an innovative yet gorgeously simple dish. I definitely had to see who catered the party.  
  
I wasn’t really paying attention but I nodded and emptily laughed all the same. It was sad to find out that people were still the same. To live in their little world, they were so concerned with presenting themselves to me that they almost forgot where I’d come from.  
It was like food. I couldn’t believe how these people were unaware that the most wonderful dishes were made by people who wanted to make others happy rather than the richest restaurants all over the world. The reviews meant shit because everyone’s taste was different. Many people just believed the decoration of advertisement.

_They existed by opening the pages of pre-designed catalogues:  
Observing life but never living it._

  
  
Tsukasa knew more than anyone how I felt about anything. I wished Yuki would get here soon…  
  
My stomach churned as if it knew what was next. The crowd parted as Sakurako tilted her head before grabbing me into a cold embrace. Her fingers touched my back like icicles and it was only a matter of time before I’d feel sick of this party too, as I thought it would be.   
I felt a push on my stomach and realized she couldn’t even hug me because of that huge stomach of hers. I was too slow to realize it because she had snuck behind me, but I could feel people had cleared the way for her to come.  
  
Where was the rest of the F4? Why were they late for the school event they themselves decided on?  
  
“How are you, Tsukushi-chan?” She excitedly said as she put her hand to her mouth and giggled. Then she went straight to saying, “I will be having my baby soon, but I really REALLY wanted to see you since you’d not been in Japan for four years now.”  
“Congratulations,” I greeted as sincerely as I could, keeping calm as anyone would while being threatened with such pettiness.

_You are NOT my equal. You never will be.  
But if it makes you get up in the morning, go ahead and have fun with that idea…_

  
  
I immediately felt sorry for the child because of all the mess of things that came into my head. You are going to use it as a means of confidence and it will fight you to be its own person. Then, it will make the decision to be exactly as you are or to abandon everything in order to change the world around them…  
  
That was a decision I didn’t know how to answer yet myself.  
I couldn’t even look at Tsukasa when it came to this subject though I knew he would be very happy to have a child. But knowing how everything was…  
  
I sighed.  
  
Then again, we were who we were, weren’t we? If we got this far-  
  
Without thinking, I lifted up my arms and hugged her with all the feeling I could muster up. I kissed her on the cheek and she stepped back with wide eyes. Her mouth opened a little bit in surprise. “You…”  
  
I wasn’t fighting you anymore. There were more things to worry about, Sakurako. The world was wider than this, so I couldn’t stop here. I had already forgiven everything even though you were still stuck in time somehow.  
  
She turned away and I didn’t catch what she said, but I bowed to excuse myself for a little bit. It wasn’t even one hour and I was already dizzy, sick from all the saturated artificialness.  
I’d slipped away when the same boring conversations became too loud to take. Again, people focused on my status rather than who I was. That nagging feeling came back.

_This time, I was fighting to get outside  
rather than to understand the inside._

  
  
I held the stem of my mask firmly in my gloved right hand and walked with the clicking of my heels on the tile floor, the shoes she had said, “Good shoes bring you to good places.” Shizuka was never too far away from my thoughts when I compared the strength between Tsubaki-Oneesama and her, whom I admired more than anyone in this world until now.  
I’d attended more ‘meetings’ around the globe than I’d care to remember. Somehow, though, I’d forgotten something along the way. I was still ‘myself’ but I knew more than anything something was missing. I didn’t know what had died within me though I grew stronger every single day.  
That’s why, ten years later, I found myself opening the door to the emergency staircase. There was nothing left, even the color had been changed. Since then, there were small chipped marks. It was bound to happen. Hardly anyone found the very thought to visit such a place.

_Everyone was so busy trying to be important. I was disappointed with myself  
because, deep inside,  
I still couldn’t concede to such a thing   
and yet here I was inside all of it._

  
  
Click.  
And when I opened my mouth, it was he who said, “You certainly do pop out of nowhere. The ‘weed’ indeed.”  
Then, that smile I had loved so well came out as if we were going back in time. I shook my head and grinned.  
“Here I thought that by now I owned this part of the school with my husband.”  
“As I recall, we four have equal partnership so the staircase is also mine. First come, first serve, I guess.”  
“Talking a lot today, aren’t we?”  
“I’m now prepared for anything thanks to you and Shizuka.”  
“I feel so embarrassed when I think of how I acted towards you in high school.” I turned to look out into the courtyard with all its darkened green, illuminated by crystal lights.  
“You shouldn’t be.”  
I glanced at him as he walked down the stairs and sat down. My back faced him as I watched the lights glimmer for no one but me at that moment.  
“It’s always you, isn’t it?”  
“Hmm?”  
I turned around with my arms leaning on the railing. I crossed my legs.  
“You always know where to find me. You always know who I am at the point that I feel it’s slipping away.”  
“Had enough of being Cinderella, huh?”  
I laughed aloud and grinned. I stood in front of him and poked his temple. “Nothing gets by you.” I sighed in relief as all my nervousness disappeared.   
“Feels like this little space will always be separate from the rest of the world.”  
I shook my head. “This was the place that made me aware of my place within the world I’d wanted to create.”  
“You do know I have no idea what you’re saying, you silly girl.”  
It was then that I leaned down to hug him. I wrapped my arms around him to give and to get one of the best gifts I’d gotten from anyone in my entire life. “Thank you. Thank you so much. Now, I don’t look at our memories in sadness. I don’t question why you didn’t choose me.”  
He lifted one arm to pat my back.

_When a Wish becomes a Sacrifice, Unconditional means Pure Selflessness._

  
  
“Tsukushi, you haven’t changed since the moment you declared war on us.” He chuckled to himself. “Just now, you’re more focused on where to put your energy. I am glad you are not fighting with me. I saw what happened when you were in Amsterdam.”  
  
I took a deep breath and wrapped my fingers around the back of his head. Smiling through the tears that were silently running down his neck, I couldn’t feel him with the gloves blocking the touch of his skin.  
“I don’t love you like I did before, Hanazawa Rui. But it’s gotten deeper all these years.”  
“Old habits die hard. Still call me that?”  
I let go of him, and wiped my eyes. “Gotta act in character while we’re on the staircase, you know?”  
He held my arms with his warm hands and looked into my eyes. “Let’s go before Tsukasa realizes that you’ve not been kidnapped. Remember last time?”  
I giggled.  
“And before your baby realizes that you’re not hugging it while it’s sleeping.” My smile couldn’t have gotten any wider at that moment. “Thanks for the emails.”  
“Is it possible for a little girl to love her daddy more than mommy? Shizuka thinks this is a way to keep our family excited about each other.” He got up and dusted off his suit.   
I put my index finger up to my lips. “I won’t say anything against Shizuka-san, but you guys always inspire each other. So, I think because it’s you, it’s possible.”  
He let go of my arms and we walked side by side towards the auditorium, but I stopped. “I’m going to check something before I see everyone.”  
Rui nodded and I walked in the opposite direction.  
  
Through the side doors, I heard a remix of a song we had heard back then.

**To be free is not  
What it’s thought to be,  
For we all want somewhere to belong to,  
Something to hold onto  
No matter how much we deny it.**

  
  
My heart was elated and free, light all over again.  
Being here with all these mixed feelings, I still could find myself.  
  
Though I couldn’t describe it, I had regained that missing ‘something.’  
  
The music was becoming softer and softer the more I walked away from those doors that I had opened a million times to escape from the world. But even though the voice got softer, I knew the words and sang them in my head:

**With eyes which gaze at the ground,  
It is not defeat.  
It is humility.  
This is the road to strength,  
A heart which can stand  
Any kind of pain  
Because it chose to get involved.  
  
But when does a Wish  
Become a Sacrifice?**

  
  
  
As I got closer and closer to where my shoes led me to, I stopped and there were tears on my eyes as I gripped onto the mask as if it were a magic wand. I pointed it towards my husband and then brought it down to my side.  
  
He didn’t notice me as I became filled more and more with emotion.  
  
Yes…  
I had been right to choose this person…  
The one that would always fight back for me no matter where ‘I’ was…  
  
  
With folded arms, he stared up at my old locker. Then, he turned towards me as we heard the samba music from the auditorium burst louder and louder to the climax of the song:

**It is when we realize we must  
Give up our own to invest  
Inside the Life and Heart  
Of Another.**

  
  
As sharp and as handsome as the first time I saw him in the yacht that night, he held out his hand out to me. “Aren’t you proud of me? I waited longer than before-“

**Going forward, I still charge onward  
as if freedom  
was everything it’s said to be.  
  
Actually, it was much, much more.**

  
  
I wrapped my arms around him. I pressed myself against him and snuggled my face against his cheek, squeezing his body tighter and tighter. With just as much strength though he was confused, he hugged me, almost lifting me off the ground.  
“Why are you here? At my old locker? How did you know?” I sniffed in a quiet whisper to his ear.  
“Because this is the best place in all of the school,” he answered seriously.  
I laughed and put my hand in a fist, my tears stopping when I lightly hit his back. “You still say such stupid things.”  
  
It was then that I stepped away from him and he looked at me with the same intense determination as before. There were things we didn’t understand but the things that counted, that’s where it all came together.  
  
I lifted up my chin and pointed my mask towards him. “Domyouji, I declare war on you again!”  
“What the hell are you saying, woman?”  
“I am going to cut my hair.”  
“No! I told you since Venice I didn’t want you to do that for a long time!!!”  
I placed the mask to hang on the sash around my waist, but I kept my eyes on him. “I know you love my hair, but I think it’ll be too fussy to deal with once the baby is born.”  
I looked straight at him as he took a deep breath and the smile that I thought couldn’t get any wider on my face…  
  
…it did.  
  
He brought his fingers to his chin and his eyebrows made a knot. “Baby? What-“  
“TSUKASA!” I shouted and sighed. “Do I have to spell this out to you too?!”  
  
That puzzled face broke out into a smug expression and before I could think, it was at that moment that he took off my gloves. Firmly, he held my right hand and quickly walked towards the auditorium.  
  
It was then that I knew no matter what happened, we would always grow towards one another. Because we didn’t take the other for granted, we would always work so hard for the other to see how far we could go together.  
  
  
Our excited pulses touched one another from palm to palm the tighter we gripped onto one another. I watched his grinning face, proud and yet innocent in a charming way.  
  
In this smile alone, with all of his body, his mind, his soul, he told me every single moment, “Mi Amore.”  
  
  
It was that smile I protected with all of my heart,  
with all of myself   
with all the things we had yet to discover about ‘us’.  
  
He glanced at me and then opened the door to the auditorium…  
  
  
 **Owari.**

**Author's Note:**

> Suddenly, in the middle of working, I ran to my poetry notebook to write this small little idea down and then I obsessed over it for days until it bloomed into what you see here.  
> I had written it with the intention of making something warm. I had written so many depressing fics this year that I thought to do a different flavor and to resolve something within my heart for Hanazawa Rui because he is a special character to me.
> 
> I dedicate this to a person whom I know will never read this.   
> Mi Amore is ‘my love’ in Italian.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it!
> 
> Love,  
> Yui


End file.
